It is a horrible thing to have a great faith in something and then realize it to be an illusion. The weaker and less intelligent have the advantage since they are able to shrug it off far more easier: they are less sensitive; however, one who takes things as they are and accepts the reality of the disallusinment will have a far more difficult time. It becomes like a wound that will never stop bleeding; which, weakens the soul and heart, and eventually can lead to a spiritual death. If one does not find a new direction one wastes oneself in idleness and disallusionment. One seems to embrace nihilism in its most honest form and never be able to stray away from the abyss.
This has happened many times in literature and life, but to me the most heart rending case is that of Katya. In Chekhov’s ”A Boring Life” Katya becomes disallusioned with the theater and the actors that she, in her youth, thought to be so good and divine, when she discovers that they were really just vain and lacked talent. She even comes to realize that she herself lacks the talent and strives on the vanity, so unable to live the lie any longer she abandons her dream, but is unable to find another purpose. Her only hope is her foster father. She sees, in him, a man that is a lot more real and stronger then those around him and her; however, he himself is weakend by his own struggles and is unable to help Katya out of her utter disallusionment.
Will is the manner of men; willingness that of women. That is the law of the sexes – truly, a hard law for women. All of humanity is innocent; but women are doubly innocent. Who could have oil and kindness enough for them? – Nietzsche
Katya’s suffering; actually, all of Chekhov’s women in one form or another suffer in the inability to find an exceptional man, and if they do that man’s inability to help them. Is this because they were unable to pick there moments properly? or because they did not see the true problem these women had? or is it that the women themselves are simply self-destructive and cannot seem to choose what is best for them and see things as they are? It seems to be a little bit of all three; however, what is the man to do when he has his own problems he must deal with and the conceptions the women have of what a man should be to be great is so skewed. They can only be patient and hope that they will see things as they are.
Katya sees the vanity and lack of honesty in all people, even those like her; except, for her foster father who is getting old and will be dying soon. In the end she comes to him in desperation and asks: what should I do? and he gives that fatal and painful answer that he does not know. After that fatal night she is now lost to him and he cannot help her no more; she will be leaving and never returning, and will wonder completely and utterly lost. When reading this story I could not help but think what could of he possibly said? What should Katya do?
Katya, when little, dreamed of grand and beautiful things, and dreamed of people to compliment them; which, led her to where she thought her dreams most matched the reality of things. Thus she attached herself, in the most innocent and heartfelt way, to the theater. She then becomes disillusioned and realizing the vanity of it -even in her lover – leaves it. When she left she never let go of her dreams of something being better then the reality around her, but unable to find something that was not a lie she becomes lost and does not know what to do with herself. So what should of Nikolai told her?
He should of said: Katya, I know you and I know your heart. You are not one to become an actress nor a domestic servant; actually, you are not one that was born for this age. What you once believed the theater to be and what you have become now shows me this. Your noble heart suffers in a world for the weak, petty and vain. Thus it is for all noble hearts; including my own. Katya my dear! What must you do? You must stop looking for your dream, for they do not exist, but do not give up on them. Try to create them! Stop wallowing in the misery of insulting the way things are, and instead, create a little corner for yourself where you can be happy and change things just a little. You are not one for grand revolutions, but perhaps in your own little way you can change things by changing one heart. I am an old man and you wish to take care of me. Alas, there is no point, I can feel it, death is coming to me in a few months time. You are going on 30 now and yet you are still beautiful and your are wise in the way of the world and can handle it: if you found someone to protect and teach. Look for a young man who is in his early twenties or late teens. Who has a sensitive heart and high hopes in the future: in the same way that you once had. Take him and treat him kindly, teach and protect him, be like his coccoon and be his lover. Marry him even. Lead him through the perils of the twenties such as: ambition, hatred, self-conempt, and other passions of all kind. You will be his intellectual and moral superior, and eventually, if you do things right, and if he is like an unflawed piece of marble, he will outgrow you and perhaps become something like that which you dream of. For the things that we dream of cannot be made by nature but must be created by man. Go do that! That will be your purpose in life! And, Katya, even if you fail and he becomes like everyone else. Do not be too disheartened, try again if you have enough strength left in you, or just live out the rest of your life. For even if you do nothing else you have attempted and done more then so many others! even those who have created corporations, or became famous, or even became heads of states! So Katya, that is what you must do. You must leave me and find him.
